


some advice

by orphan_account



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Banter, Coming Out, Dave Stider's Repressed Homosexual Tendencies, F/F, Fluff, Idiots in Love, M/M, Pesterlog(s) (Homestuck), Sibling Bonding, Therapist Rose Lalonde, make that a tag 2020, rose be like: mom said it's my turn with the braincells
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-06
Updated: 2020-04-06
Packaged: 2021-03-01 20:33:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 11,394
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23503156
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: CG: BEFORE I START I NEED TO MAKE IT EXPRESSLY CLEAR THAT I WOULD NOT BE SPEAKING TO YOU UNLESS THERE WERE NO OTHER OPTIONS.CG: WE’RE TALKING, LIKE, END OF THE WORLD TYPE SHITCG: BECAUSE IT IS BY NOW COMMON KNOWLEDGE THAT YOU ARE AN INSUFFERABLE KNOW-IT-ALL AND GIVING YOU ANY OPPORTUNITY TO PROVE THAT POINT FURTHER IS SUCH A BAD FUCKING IDEA THAT I MIGHT AS WELL SAW OFF MY BULGECG: BUT KANAYA WOULD LAUGH AT ME AND TEREZI IS A FUCKING CRANK AND VRISKA DROP-KICKED HER MORAL CODE INTO THE MIDDLE OF FUCKALL, NOWHERE A DISTRESSING PERIOD OF TIME AGOCG: AND THE MAYOR IS A FUCKING SAINT LIKE LET’S CLEAR THE AIR IN THAT RESPECT HE IS AN HONEST-TO-FUCKING-GOG SAINT BUT NOT REALLY THE PERSON TO GO TO FOR THIS LUNACYCG: AND GAMZEE IS JUST FUCKING OFF HIS ROCKSCG: SO THAT LEAVES YOU.
Relationships: Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas, Rose Lalonde & Dave Strider, Rose Lalonde & Karkat Vantas, Rose Lalonde/Kanaya Maryam (background)
Comments: 16
Kudos: 176





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> um was trying to practice dialogue and this literal mess happened...please be kind i can't write in character dialogue for the life of me

\-- carcinoGeneticist (CG) began trolling tentacleTherapist (TT) --

CG: BEFORE I START I NEED TO MAKE IT EXPRESSLY CLEAR THAT I WOULD NOT BE SPEAKING TO YOU UNLESS THERE WERE NO OTHER OPTIONS.

CG: WE’RE TALKING, LIKE, END OF THE WORLD TYPE SHIT

CG: BECAUSE IT IS BY NOW COMMON KNOWLEDGE THAT YOU ARE AN INSUFFERABLE KNOW-IT-ALL AND GIVING YOU ANY OPPORTUNITY TO PROVE THAT POINT FURTHER IS SUCH A BAD FUCKING IDEA THAT I MIGHT AS WELL SAW OFF MY BULGE

CG: BUT KANAYA WOULD LAUGH AT ME AND TEREZI IS A FUCKING CRANK AND VRISKA DROP-KICKED HER MORAL CODE INTO THE MIDDLE OF FUCKALL, NOWHERE A DISTRESSING PERIOD OF TIME AGO

CG: AND THE MAYOR IS A FUCKING SAINT LIKE LET’S CLEAR THE AIR IN THAT RESPECT HE IS AN HONEST-TO-FUCKING-GOG SAINT BUT NOT REALLY THE PERSON TO GO TO FOR THIS LUNACY

CG: AND GAMZEE IS JUST FUCKING OFF HIS ROCKS

CG: SO THAT LEAVES YOU.

TT: As equal parts compelling and heartwarming as that diatribe was, I am a little busy right now.

CG: FUCK YOU

CG: DON’T PRETEND YOU AREN’T ON THE EDGE OF YOUR FUCKING SEAT RIGHT NOW.

CG: YOU’RE SO GOGDAMN READY TO HEAR WHAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN THE COLOSSAL LOSER KARKAT MOTHERFUCKING VANTAS, **REGRETFULLY** FORCING HIS HAND AND LEADING HIM RIGHT INTO YOUR STUPID TRAP OF PSYCHOANALYSIS AND DUMBFUCKERY ADMIT IT.

CG: YOU’RE FOAMING AT THE MOUTH RIGHT NOW AT THE PROSPECT OF GETTING YOUR LITTLE WITCH CLAWS INTO ME AND TEARING ME A NEW ONE

CG: HYPOTHETICALLY SPEAKING.

TT: To borrow a colloquialism from our dear friend Dave: Karkat, what the fuck are you on?

CG: HAVE YOU NOT BEEN LISTENING TO ANYTHING I’VE BEEN SAYING???

CG: HAS YOUR THINKPAN JUST DECIDED NOT TO SHOW UP TO THE PARTY OR ARE YOU BEING A DELIBERATE NUMBSKULL?????

\-- tentacleTherapist (TT) is now an idle chum! --

CG: DJKSKDLJA

CG: LALONDE???

CG: FINE OKAY I’M SORRY CAN YOU FUCKING COME BACK HERE

CG: I NEED ADVICE.

\-- tentacleTherapist returned from being idle! --

TT: Ah, he does get to the point! Lo, take shelter, lest another miracle rain down from these here heavens upon us!

CG: WHAT THE FUCK, LALONDE?

TT: Sorry, I think the shock of you being direct for once short-circuited something in my brain. You were saying you needed help?

CG: YEAH YEAH LAUGH IT UP CHUCKLES.

CG: YOU AND THE FUCKING CLOWN CAN HAVE A KARKAT’S-A-FUCKING-TOOL-LET’S-LAUGH-AT-HIM PARTY LATER.

TT: I cannot for the life of me fathom any aspect of my behavior that has indicated even the vaguest desire to willingly devote my time to cavorting about with the homicidal clown that’s taken residence in our ventilation system.

TT: But I digress. What do you need, Karkat?

CG: CAN I REAFFIRM HOW LITTLE I WANT TO DO THIS REALLY QUICK?

CG: BECAUSE YOU’RE ABOUT TO GET SMARMY AS SHIT THINKING YOUR ADVICE IS OH-SO-VALUABLE TO ME I CAN FUCKING FEEL IT AND I REALLY DON’T WANT TO HEAR IT.

TT: How about this: if you can explicitly tell me what is troubling you in the next message you send, I avow not to be facetious about it in any respect?

CG: ...

CG: FINE

TT: Wonderful.

CG: IT’S ABOUT

CG: FUCK

CG: ACTUALLY YOU KNOW WHAT THIS IS A HORRIBLE IDES WHY DON’T YOU FUCKING KILL ME INSTEAD LALONDE USE YOUT STUPID FUCKING GOD TIER POWERS OR WHATEVER AND PICK MY WORTHLESS WRIGGLER ASS UP AND THROW IT INTO THE DEEP ICY ABYSS OF SPACE RIGHT NOW.

CG: PUT US ALL OUT OF OUR MISERY

TT: If I might make two observations?

CG: WE BOTH KNOW YOU’RE GOING TO FUCKING DO IT ANYWAYS.

TT: I am reminded vividly of a metaphor about dogs and tricks. Ha ha!

CG: ???

TT: Apologies; sometimes I find myself deeply amusing. However, it’s of little consequence. To my observations: one, Karkat, you deeply overestimate any malicious streak I have shown to you or anyone else aboard this meteor in thinking that I will somehow derive pleasure from mocking you in what appears to be a deeply sensitive subject for you. Rest assured, I will not. I may be terse and blunt when the situation prompts, but I would like to think of myself as far from an unkind person; certainly I would not stoop so low as to make light of whatever is troubling you. Second, I find that, in situations like this, it is often better to simply rip the proverbial band-aid off and say what you mean to say, however harsh it may sound in your head.

TT: Again, I am not here to judge or criticize. Merely to listen and advise where I can.

TT: Oh, and thirdly: the powers I received upon ascending to God Tier status alongside my brother do not give me the capabilities of forcibly removing you from this meteor. Sadly.

TT: I am joking, of course. Your presence here is deeply valued by all. Even, I dare to think, those of our party who are less stable and reside in ventilation ducts.

TT: Karkat? Are you here?

CG: ...

CG: SPEAKING OF DAVE

CG: OKAY, LET’S KEEP THIS HYPOTHETICAL. WHAT I’M ABOUT TO SAY IS ENTIRELY, 150% HYPOTHETICAL. OKAY?

TT: Okay.

CG: SO LET’S SAY YOU’RE A DUDE.

TT: Each moment I spend engaged in this conversation only adds to the sentiment of hypotheticality surrounding it. It's quite miraculous.

CG: SHUT UP I HATE YOU ANYWAYS YES SO YOU’RE A DUDE AND LET’S SAY YOU’RE STUCK SOMEWHERE. LIKE A ROOM, OR A BUILDING, OR

CG: DON’T FUCKING SAY A METEOR LALONDE I WILL DISEMBOWEL YOU WITHOUT BLINKING TWICE

TT: I was thinking nothing of the sort. Proceed, please.

CG: YEAH OKAY SO YOU’RE STUCK IN SOME CRUMMY ASS BUILDING AND YOU’VE BEEN THERE FOR WHAT FEELS LIKE FUCKING EIGHT BILLION SWEEPS SLOWLY WATCHING WORMS DEVELOP IN EVERYBODY’S THINKPANS FROM THE WAY THEY’RE ACTING AND IT’S GENERALLY A HIDEOUS AND EMBARRASSING AFFAIR

CG: AND, YOU KNOW, TO STAVE OFF THE WORMS DEVELOPING IN YOUR BRAIN YOU START HANGING OUT WITH ONE OF THE DUDES IN THE BUILDING WITH YOU BECAUSE YOU’RE BORED AS FUCKALL AND EVERYONE ELSE IS OFF HAVING KINKY SCARY LESBIAN ALIEN SEX

TT: Entirely hypothetical, of course.

TT: Also, could you possibly come up with a more crass term to describe how I spend my time? I’m genuinely curious.

CG: SHUT THE FUCK UP. SO, YEAH, THERE’S WORMS IN EVERYBODY’S THINKPANS AND THIS ONE GUY IS BARELY TOLERABLE. LIKE THR BAREST FUCKING AMOUNTS OF TOLERABLE BUT GIVEN THE OTHER COMPANY IT’S THR BEST YOU CAN FUCKING GET SO YOU START HANGING OUT A LOT.

CG: YOU ATTEMPT TO INTRODUCE HIM TO THE VAST AND RICH WEALTH OF CONTENT THAT IS ALTERNIAN ROMANCE MOVIES AND HE IS AN INBRED FUCKASS SO HE DOESN’T APPRECIATE IT NEARLY AS MUCH AS HE SHOULD

CG: AND HE SHOWS YOU HORRIFIC EARTH “ROM-COMS” WHICH ARE, SIMPLY PUT, THE EQUIVALENT OF TWO HOURS OF LIVE BROADCASTS OF STEAMING PILES OF GARBAGE FESTERING IN DIRECT SUNLIGHT

CG: BUT WHAT ELSE DO YOU FUCKING HAVE TO DO HUH?

CG: AND SOMETIMES YOU’LL DO OTHER DUMBASS SHIT LIKE CONSTRUCT A TOWN OUT OF CANS WHICH IS ACTUALLY A HIGHLY-DEVELOPED AND WELL-STRUCTURED CIVILIZATION I TAKE BACK EVERYTHING BAD I JUST SAID ABOUT IT.

TT: Karkat, may I interject?

CG: I REALLY HAD A RHYTHM GOING THERE BUT FUCK YOU FINE.

TT: I am willing to feed into the notion of fabricated situations should it make you more willing to openly discuss what is on your mind with me, but even this is starting to get a little convoluted for my taste.

TT: I am not an idiot, nor am I so self-absorbed that I do not pay you and any individuals you choose to frequent your time with any attention, despite what you may think.

TT: Simply put, I believe I know the direction this conversation is headed in.

TT: I don't mean to overstep, but would I be right in assuming that the this particular spiel, if given the opportunity to run its course, will end with you professing some form of Red Romance attraction to him?

TT: Unless you intend to profess feelings aligning more with the Black Romance category

TT: In which case I feel I must've vastly misinterpreted your relationship.

CG: ...

TT: Karkat?

CG: DS;LDGSLFDGFEGGLSDKLAL;GRK

TT: I feel it would be infinitely more productive if you communicated whatever you are currently feeling in a manner that does not involve you smashing your keypad.

CG: GOD I ACTUALLY THINK I MIGHT HATE YOU.

CG: LIKE THE MORE AND MORE I THINK ABOUT IT THE MORE I REALIZE JUST HOW MUCH YOU MAKE ME WANT TO PEEL MY FUCKING SKIN OFF AND PUT MY HEAD IN THAT OBSCENE CONTRAPTION YOU ALCHEMIZED THAT PULVERIZES FRUIT LOUDLY.

TT: You are referring to, I assume, a blender?

CG: SDS;QLGKWLE;TKL;GEJLSFAJKLDGFSKJ

CG: BRB THROWING MYSELF OFF THE METEOR NOW!

CG: SEE YA YOU FUCKING CRANK.

TT: Before you go and indulge in these overdramatics

TT: By which I mean you undoubtedly hole yourself up in your room and watch the Alternian adaptation of Brokeback Mountain for what I think is maybe the 47th time since our arrival on this meteor

TT: I must ask you to remain in this conversation for just a little while longer.

TT: Flushed or pale?

CG: I AM ACTUALLY GOING TO KILL MYSELF NOW.

TT: That seems to me a disproportionate reaction. I would also ask you to not make jokes such as that. Not only does it make light of a deeply saddening topic, but it would then present me with problems in discerning your seriousness should you ever come to me with legitimate feelings such as that.

TT: Would you like to answer my question?

CG: ARE YOU GOING TO LAUGH AT ME?

TT: Again, Karkat, I am treating this conversation very seriously.

TT: When you say something remotely amusing, I will be sure to let you know. Alright?

CG: FINE

CG: FUCK

CG: I DON’T KNOW

CG: THAT’S THE WHOLE ISSUE HERE IS THAT IT’S NOT LIKE ONE OR THE OTHER 

CG: IT’S BOTH I THINK WHICH DOESN’T EVEN MAKE FUCKING SENSE LIKE I KNOW YOU HUMANS HAVE YOUR WHOLE CONVOLUTED AND HONESTLY BAFFLING SYSTEM OF ROMANCE BUT THAT’S NOT SUPPOSED TO APPLY TO TROLLS AND THE FACT THAT I THINK IT MIGHT BE IN MY CASE IS SO NAUSEATING AND FUCKING CONFUSION I CAN FEEL MYSELF DEVELOPING A STRESS ULCER EVERY TIME IT VAGUELY CROSSES MY MIND.

CG: BUT SURE YEAH WHATEVER THAT’S MY BIG STUPID SECRET. I LIKE DAVE STIRDER. FUCK ME. ISN’T THIS JUST FUCKING PATHETIC. DISGUSTING. KARKAT’S A EMBARRASSING WASTE OF FUCKING OXYGEN. LET’S GIVE HIM A HAND.

TT: Your feelings, for Dave or otherwise, are not something to be disgusted by, Karkat. Nor ashamed about.

TT: Honestly, I must admit to being a little surprised. Were Dave in your position partaking in the same conversation with me, hesitation at being attracted to another male would be far from atypical. Expected, even. But you—I have always been under the impression that the gender of your partner for any quadrant is of little consequence, for trolls in general and you in particular. Was this a misconception on my part?

CG: IT’S NOT THAT HE’S A DUDE

CG: I DON’T GIVE EVEN A BARE SEMBLANCE OF A SHIT WHAT’S IN HIS PANTS.

CG: I WAS JUST WORRIED ABOUT

CG: YOUR REACTION

TT: My reaction?

TT: In case the earlier comment about lesbian alien sex really was truly an attempt at being hypothetical on your part, I feel obliged to remind you that I am very fucking gay, Karkat. I pass the torch of communication on to Kanaya in case further clarification in that matter is needed.

TT: It would be quite hypocritical of me to react negatively to you admitting you have feelings for my brother, don't you think?

CG: I KNOW THAT.

CG: JEGUS.

CG: IT’S JUST

CG: DAVE IS YOUR BROTHER AND OBVIOUSLY YOU GIVE A SHIT ABOUT HIM IN YOUR WEIRD THERAPIST-Y WAY AND HE GIVES A SHIT ABOUT YOU IN HIS WEIRD EMOTIONALLY STUNTED WAY

CG: THERE’S A LOT OF SHIT-GIVING BETWEEN YOU GUYS I UNDERSTAND THAT IS HOW THE PHENOMENALLY BIZARRE CONCEPT OF HUMAN SIBLINGS WORKS

CG: SO NO SHIT I WAS AFRAID TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT THIS BECAUSE ANYONE WITH EVEN A SLIVER OF A FUNCTIONING THINKPAN WOULD SEE THE NOTION OF ME EVEN LOOKING AT DAVE IN A RED ROMANCE SENSE PRACTICALLY VOMIT-INDUCING AND I DON’T SEE WHY ALL OF A SUDDEN YOU WOULD BE THE EXCEPTION TO THE RULE.

TT: And why do you think that?

CG: BECAUSE I’M FUCKING ME, LALONDE.

TT: What does that mean?

CG: THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

TT: Humor me. Explain exactly why you assume everyone would be repulsed at the notion of you and Dave entering some sort of relationship if not due to the fact that you are both men.

CG: GOG YOU’RE REALLY DRAWING THIS OUT, HUH?

TT: Not intentionally. But I think you will benefit from saying what you think aloud. Sometimes it is challenging to gauge the realism and viability of a thought until it’s actually been voiced aloud.

TT: And, knowing your propensity for letting your thoughts, particularly the negative ones, get the best of you in situations like this, I feel that perhaps you explicitly stating the core of the issue will help you to see that the train of thought does not follow as logical and conclusive of a pass as you may have previously believed. 

CG: IT’S JUST

CG: LIKE DAVE IS GREAT, YEAH? HE’S A REALLY GOOD FUCKING GUY. I WOULD NEVER TELL HIM THAT ON ACCOUNT OF HIM ALSO BEING AN INSUFFERABLE PRICK WHO WOULD LORD AND POSITIVE FEELINGS I EXPRESS TO HIM OVER MY HEAD FOR THE REST OF FUCKING ETERNITY, BUT HE REALLY IS A FUCKING GREAT GUY.

CG: AND I’M JUST NOT, ROSE. I’M STUPID AND ANNOYING AND FUCKED UP SO BAD THAT HALF MY FRIENDS ARE DEAD AND I TOTALLY COULD’VE DONE SOMETHING ABOUT THAT WERE I NOT A DUMBASS HUNK OF SHIT AND I’M NOT A GOOD LEADER AND I’M NOT A GOOD PERSON AND I SCREW UP EVERYTHING I COME WITHIN FIFTY FEET OF AND I CANNOT EVEN IMAGINE WHAT THE FUCK I WOULD DO IF I SOMEHOW FUCKED UP WITH HIM LIKE I HAVE WITH EVERYTHING ELSE. AND I’M SO BAD WITH TALKING TO PEOPLE AND OPENING UP AND ACTUALLY TRUSTING ANYTHING ANYONE SAYS ABOUT ME THAT’S EVEN WITHIN THE TERRITORY OF NICE BECAUSE IT JUST DOESN’T FUCKING COMPUTE IN MY HEAD HOW ANYONE COULD LOOK AT *ME* AND SEE ANYTHING WORTH COMPLIMENTING. 

CG: AND DAVE DESERVES SOMEONE WHO CAN FUCKING DEAL WITH THEIR OWN LIFE AND NOT PILE IT ON TOP OF HIM AND MAKE HIM BECOME THE OFFICIAL SIFTER-THROUGHER OF THE HOOFBEAST SHIT. HE DESERVES SOMEONE WHO’S ABLE TO BE OPEN AND LOVING AND RECEPTIVE OF HIS AFFECTION AND THAT’S ASSUMING HE EVEN LIKES ME IN THE FIRST PLACE WHICH IS FRANKLY FUCKING RIDICULOUS.

CG: AND YOU KNOW THIS ALL TOO WELL BECAUSE I MAKE YOU SIT AND DEAL WITH THIS SHIT EVEN MORE THAN HIM AND SO OF FUCKING COURSE I’M EXPECTING YOU TO IMPALE ME WITH YOUR WITCHY-ASS KNITTING NEEDLES AND WRITE “KARKAT IS A FUCKING TOOL” WITH MY BLOOD BECAUSE.

CG: BECAUSE HOW COULD YOU BE EVEN REMOTELY OKAY WITH SOMEONE AS COLOSSALLY FUCKED UP AS ME EVEN LOOKING AT YOUR BROTHER LIKE THAT?

TT: Karkat.

CG: YES?

TT: You are good.

CG: …

CG: WHAT?

TT: You are a good person. Or troll, I suppose. You have done good things, and will continue along this path for the rest of your life.

CG: WHAT IS THIS, SOME SORT OF SEER SHIT?

TT: No. This is Rose Lalonde speaking very honestly to someone she regards as her friend, despite his best efforts to push her and everyone else as far away as humanely possible.

TT: This is not to cast aside mistakes you have made, because you have made some, and will continue to do so for the rest of your life as well. It is a rather unfortunate side effect of being alive, but a necessary and almost essential one, one might argue. 

TT: But the mistakes you make should not detract from the fact that you are, at your core, a fundamentally good troll who cares deeply for those in his life and does everything within his power to ensure their safety. I can recognize this with no struggle, however hard you try and mask your genuine compassion for those around you under layers or antagonism and reactivity; even Dave, with his occasionally limited levels of emotional perception, can recognize this as well. I would be very surprised if he harbored any ill will towards you because of mistakes you might have made in the past, or tragedies that have befallen you due to reasons very much out of your control.

TT: I know for a fact you do not judge him based on his worst moments. Why should he do the same to you?

CG: BECAUSE I’M ME.

TT: That means very little to him, Karkat. It means very little in general, honestly. Your perception of yourself is deeply opinionated and subjective; you view yourself from the worst lens possible out of habit, when in fact you are no worse than anyone else on this meteor. You are markedly better than some, I would argue, unless you also have taken up the habit of wandering around ventilation shafts and brutally murdering many of your companions while severely inebriated?

TT: Hypothetical question, of course. If the answer to that is yes then I fear we have much more pressing matters on our hands.

TT: My point is, while I am certain Dave sees and recognizes these faults about yourself you point out, albeit to a much lesser degree, they are not of consequence enough to prevent him from caring about you. Which he does deeply, Karkat. I cannot and should not speak for my brother, but he is not exactly subtle in expressing the fact that he has come to value you as a figure in his life. If they ever were, he wouldn’t have become so close with you in the first place.

TT: May I ask you a question? And will you answer honestly?

CG: OKAY.

TT: What is your genuine opinion of me?

CG: UH

CG: I MEAN DON’T LET THIS GET TO YOUR HEAD OR ANYTHING GOG KNOWS WE’RE ALL STRUGGLING TO BREATHE UNDERNEATH YOUR EGO THE SIZE OF A FUCKING STRATOSPHERE

CG: BUT I THINK YOU’RE GOOD.

CG: I MEAN. YOU KNOW.

CG: I THINK YOU CARE ABOUT EVERYONE A LOT AND I THINK YOU WORK PROBABLY HARDER THAN ANYONE I KNOW TO MAKE SURE EVERYONE REMAINS SAFE AT ALL TIMES AND IT’S A LITTLE SELF-DESTRUCTIVE AND KINDA TERRIFYING TO WATCH. 

CG: BUT YOU JUST CARE A LOT AND I REALLY RESPECT THAT. YOU’RE WILLING TO PUT UP WITH SHIT LIKE THIS FROM ME ON A RITUAL FUCKING BASIS AND KNOWING YOU YOU’RE PROBABLY HELPING OUT LIKE TWO OTHER PEOPLE AT THE SAME TIME AND HAVING NICE LITTLE CHATS WITH FUCKING HORRORTERRORS AND WATCHING OUR FUTURE SELVES DIE ON LOOP JUST SO WE DON’T ACTUALLY HAVE TO EXPERIENCE IT IN REAL LIFE. AND YOU DO ALL THIS WITHOUT EVER BITCHING. MUCH.

CG: AND I THINK THAT’S REALLY COOL.

TT: Hm. Interesting.

TT: Do you know that I almost destroyed yours and my universes? Only a few months ago, actually.

CG: …

TT: Yes, it was a rather thrilling and entirely overlooked byproduct of my attempts at actually preventing that very thing from happening. The whole debacle with the Green Sun, you see, only went as well as it did down to pure fluke. I was severely misguided and in over my head and, had it not been for said fluke, my actions would’ve put forth into motion the collapse of our respective universes. 

TT: I also directly, though unknowingly at the time, facilitated my mother’s death due to my abundant quantities of teenage angst and self-aggrandizement. I had to look at her dead body knowing that there was a way I could’ve prevented this, or at least had a genuine conversation with her before she died.

TT: My dear friend John was also stabbed and killed due to a grief-induced rampage that left me semi-possessed by the sprits of the Gods and unable to speak in my native tongue that I dragged him into. In a fit of pique, I then attempted to kill his killer, only to be murdered myself. Thankfully, John came back to life, but there was the very real possibility that, once again, my thoughtless actions had precipitated his death.

TT: I also brought Dave along with me on a suicide mission in which I fully believed both of us would die and never return. Willingly. Because I was afraid to die alone.

TT: Of course, this is a small selection of the ways in which I believe I have colossally fucked up; the full list is quite extensive and exacerbates my tendency for self-debricating melodrama, nor is it relevant to this conversation, so I will spare you the rest of it. You understand the gist, though. Now, knowing this, is there anything about your aforementioned opinion of me you would like to resolve?

CG: FUCK NO.

CG: SO YOU FUCKED UP. WHO GIVES A SHIT?

CG: YOU’RE STILL A GOOD PERSON, LALONDE.

CG: …

CG: OH, WAIT.

CG: FUCK YOU.

TT: Quite. 

TT: If I might overstep for a moment, I believe you should tell Dave how you feel about him. Perhaps not this second, but ay some juncture in the near future.

TT: Though we still have a ways left on our journey, I fear that time on this meteor will begin to pass exceedingly quick the more comfortable and, dare I say happy, you find yourself here. There is no telling what is in store for us when we arrive, but I hesitate to proclaim that the situation will go favorably, at least for all of us.

TT: And there would be no greater tragedy than you never taking the opportunity to at least express your feelings to Dave, regardless of his reciprocation to them.

CG: WHAT IF HE DOESN’T, THOUGH?

CG: LIKE ME, I MEAN.

TT: Then he doesn’t. I imagine your relationship will experience a brief turn to awkwardness, but Dave is not an idiot; he would not squander a perfectly good friendship over some unreciprocated feelings. If he appeared to be doing so, I would most certainly set him straight.

TT: Ha, ha! 

CG: WHAT IF HE DOES LIKE ME. WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO THEN?

TT: Love him, would be my advice. Love him and let him love you and savor that feeling for as long as it lasts.

CG: OH.

GC: HOO BOY

CG: THAT

CG: THAT’S A LOT FOR ME.

TT: Naturally.

TT: Think about it, though. 

TT: Now, I must depart. Thank you for speaking honestly with me, Karkat. As always, I am here should you need to talk further. As is Dave.

CG: YEAH, YEAH. 

CG: THANKS FOR LISTENING.

TT: Anytime.

\-- carcinoGeneticist (CG) has ceased trolling tentacleTherapist --


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> formatting end my life immediately...also rose and dave banter is quite possibly the only reason i'm alive right now i love They

\-- turntechGodhead (TG) began pestering tentacleTherapist (TT) --

TG: three things

TG: in no particular order of importance

TG: one, i totally ate that cereal you were saving for later and i know youre gonna like crawl up my ass and threaten immediate disembowelment via knitting needles because of it so im just giving you a heads up so you can get over it now

TG: two, karkat wants to have a team movie night soon so just a heads up for that too in case you want to contract a fatal disease before so you dont have to go

TG: three i need some advice 

\-- tentacleTherapist (TT) began pestering turntechGodhead (TG) --

TT: Did you just openly seek out my advice, or am I within the midsts of another hallucination?

TT: Kanaya did mention something about meteor air and the onset of psychosis; I rather think she was making a joke, but perhaps there was more truth to her words than she realized.

TG: first of all

TG: another hallucination?

TT: Yes.

TG: ???

TT: Dave, I’m a seer. If I stop having hallucinations it likely means all of our deaths are so imminent the powers that be don’t even see a point clueing me in to the proceedings of our remaining time left.

TG: that is so fucked im not even going to think about it

TG: jesus

TG: so what happens if you dont have a hallucination for a while are you just like welp fuck

TT: Essentially, yes, though my reactions typically contain a little more substance to them. Occasionally bordering on verbose, or so Kanaya likes to tell me. She is usually the one to talk some sense into me after a few hours of general panic.

TG: wow

TG: and you say im the fucked up one

TT: Please. My language is never as crass or demeaning as that. Merely I think your psyche has a vast amount of untapped material I am more than happy to delve into should you provide me with the opportunity to do so.

TT: Someone like you is practically begging to be psychoanalyzed at times; you can hardly blame me for putting my skills to use should the occasion warrants it.

TT: Speaking of which, unless my better instinct deceives me, would this be such an occasion right now?

TG: god youre never gonna let this go huh

TT: Oh, Christmas has come early! Do tell me what is on your mind, David.

TG: first of all i hate when you call me that

TG: its not even my name

TG: second i don’t have anything on my mind

TG: my mind is a permanently blank slate and im gonna keep it that way until the day i die

TG: no thoughts head fuckin empty

TG: but i got like a question for you i guess

TT: Yes I _do_ think you are emotionally avoidant and display serval signs of moderate to deep-running psychological trauma that would warrant severe psychiatric intervention were we back on Earth. I’m so glad you finally asked!

TG: there will never be enough words in the english language to fully tell you how much i want to throw you off this space rock sometimes

TT: I’ll get you a thesaurus. Now, I do believe that the Oracle of Delphi has just opened for business, brother dear. What plagues you?

TG: just so you know if you laugh at me i have legal rights to dissect you and put your organs in little jars all around this meteor

TT: See when you make disturbing comments such as that I do find it challenging not to make observations on your clearly damaged psyche.

TT: Also, I’m experiencing a sense déjà vu that one could almost describe as nauseating.

TT: I digress, however. I promise not to laugh, brother dear.

TG: cool

TG: also don’t call me brother dear its weird as balls

TT: Very well, dear brother.

TG: haha wow we got a comedy queen on our hands real a+ content here

TG: fuckin hysterical

TG: should we go back to the thing i said about wanting to throw you off this space rock for a sec

TT: Dave, if I didn’t know you better, I would almost think you’re making efforts to stall.

TG: okay fine

TG: real simple q for you

TG: how did you know you liked kanaya

TT: Ah.

TT: You are aware, I’m sure, of the expression “you make a better door than a window”?

TT: I can assure you right now that it has never once applied to you.

TG: what

TT: Just making illusions to your transparency, is all. Would you like me to humor you?

TG: if by humor you mean answer the fuckin question then yeah

TT: Alright. I have known Kanaya for quite some time and we were in relatively extensive communication before we eventually met face-to-face. During this period of time, I almost instantly recognized the feelings of excitement that would emerge whenever she contacted me, regardless of how hard I tried to remain unimpressed. We had what I think was a strong connection from the start, as well as highly compatible personalities which made speaking with her a decidedly enjoyable affair; as the Game progressed, I found myself looking forward to talk to her more and more with each passing day. When we met in person, of course, I found her to be just as she was in her messages—that is to say, someone I thought of as rather wonderful—and our friendship only strengthened from there. As we spent the early days of this trip in very close proximity to each other, I began to realize I had a strong physical attraction to her as well as an emotional one. From there, I concluded that I likely harbored some romantic feelings for her.

TG: so then you guys boned

TT: Does the phrase “useless lesbian” mean anything to you?

TG: uhhh no and im kind of really scared you’re actually going to talk about boning now please dont

TT: Rest assured, the day I divulge any information regarding my sex life with my girlfriend is the day you may assume I have been killed and my consciousness taken over by the spirits of the undead.

TG: just the fact that you even have a sex life makes me wanna hurl

TG: like fuck that’s nastay

TG: hear that? thats the sound of me gearing up to blow some massive chunks

TT: Are you quite finished?

TG: yes maam

TT: It took a while for me to act on my romantic impulses for Kanaya on account of my conviction that she did not feel the same way. Later I would find that she was dropping hints into a sinkhole, as it were, and the whole time period spent dithering about was rather a pointless effort. After quite some time of us walking in circles around the other, there was a rather tension-filled moment in the common room one night and we ended up kissing. You can infer the rest.

TG: huh

TT: Yes?

TG: balls

TT: Good to know where your head’s at.

TG: remember that chat we had a few weeks ago

TG: that really groundbreaking one that youve been literally counting down to ever since i admitted a slight attraction to young tom cruise? the one where i cried super manly tears and we had a whole feels jam about my bro and shit?

TT: Are you referring to the conversation in which you expressed your attraction to men to me?

TG: yep that’s the ticket

TG: so lets say hypothetically

TT: Please spare me the hypotheticals, Dave. I’ve been up to my eyes in them recently.

TG: okay so totally not hypothetically i guess ive been thinking a lot about my relationships with people recently you know trying to redefine shit after some pretty hefty personal info came to light

TG: and one dude ive been thinking a lot about is 

TG: fuck lmao

TG: okay its karkat

TG: cause look okay im well aware that we only started hanging out because you and kanaya are sucking each others faces off all the fuckin time and terezi and vriska are like committing tax fraud or whatever the fuck they do for fun but we’ve been hanging out a lot recently and like

TG: its cool you know like hes a brain dead hunk of shit sometimes but he has these moments where he’s actually super articulate and funny and really fuckin cool guy and now it’s like every time he asks if i wanna fuck around in can town or watch a dumbass rom com or just like eat dinner and talk i get all excited and shit and it’s the only think i can think about all fuckin day

TG: and hes actually a great listener when you need him to be like i can talk to him about some pretty intense shit no sweat and he’s really receptive and understanding and never makes me feel like a dumbfuck for anything

TG: which is cool

TG: and hes like interesting too when you get him to pipe down a bit and it’s weird cause normally i dont give a flying fuck as to what anyone is saying to me ever but with him i like actually wanna listen to the shit he says now

TG: which is weird but nice i think

TG: and i just think hes cool is all like he’s a dope ass guy even if he is a fuckin jerkoff sometimes

TG: but like i don’t know if that’s just in a bros type of way or more

TT: More?

TG: you know

TT: Humor me.

TG: fuck man

TG: like a gay way

TG: like a crush fuck

TT: You’re admitting you possibly have a crush on Karkat?

TT: And by possibly I mean most certainly. I didn’t just witness you referring to him as “cool” an inordinately heterosexual amount of times for there to be any more beating about the bush regarding this.

TG: alright

TG: i guess

TG: i don’t know though like i have no assfucking clue like all my clues have up sticks and decided to head off to the bare vestiges of fuckall, nowhere

TG: leaving me without a single fucking clue left

TT: Do you think Karkat is cute?

TG: ex fucking scuse me

TT: Or attractive in any sense of the word? Just trying to get a clear picture here.

TG: uh

TG: like alright yes but that sounds gay as hell

TT: Good lord.

TT: Careful, Dave, I think some of your repressed homosexual tendencies are coming to light.

TG: dude

TG: can you can it

TG: im not fuckin repressed

TT: No, your homosexual tendencies are. There’s a difference.

TG: can you please stop saying that

TT: What?

TT: Homosexual tendencies?

TG: yeah

TG: idk it’s just

TG: weird

TT: You just spent approximately five full minutes waxing veritable poetic about Karkat and yet my usage of the word “homosexual” in conjunction with you still incites feelings of discomfort?

TT: My, my, Dave. The repression really does run deep.

TG: i fucking hate you

TG: stop being all weird and making it a thing it’s not a thing it’s just

TG: im not used to thinking like that okay this is all very new and weird and stressful

TG: plus like

TG: i don’t think i’m going the full mile necessarily

TG: like you better believe i’m fuckin committed to this race dave strider will be standing on that victory podium with a sweet gold medal between his teeth no doubt about it

TG: but he might only go like

TG: half of the way

TG: maybe three fourths if were feeling ambitious

TT: I’m afraid you’ve lost me somewhere in the depths of this scintillating metaphor.

TG: im not like

TG: a homosexual

TT: A homosexual.

TG: yeah im not one of them

TT: This would be laughable if it weren’t so viscerally painful for me to read.

TT: Just a note for the future: referring to an individual who like others of the same gender as “a homosexual” is perhaps one of the most efficient ways to convince everyone around you of the fact that nothing would bring you sweeter pleasure than picking up a signpost and joining the Westboro Baptist Church.

TG: the fuck is that

TT: A Christian establishment originating from Topeka, Kansas known for its virulently homophobic rhetoric.

TT: It was mainly a comedic slight, but you can just say gay, Dave.

TT: Homosexual sounds frighteningly antiquated.

TG: oh okay

TG: dave strider is a legend at many things

TG: strifing, being a hot piece of ass, giving commentary on karkats piece of shit movies

TG: but uh im not super great at this shit i guess

TG: sorry

TT: That’s perfectly fine. I understand your home environment likely was not conducive to you feeling you could express yourself in any other way than the alpha-male archetype, which manifested in you adopting language you likely heard around the house and within the social circles you participated in school.

TT: You are simply repeating all you were taught from a young age; I hold this against your guardian more than you.

TT: But to return to your rather convoluted metaphor about races for a moment, what point were you trying to illustrate there, exactly?

TG: oh

TG: like

TG: i don’t think im gay rose

TG: like when i had that thing with terezi you know like that was tight as fuck right

TG: like i wasn’t grossed out by her or anything that we did

TG: i enjoyed it

TT: I’m going to pause you there as you feel dangerously close to divulging far more information in regards to the activities you and Terezi partook in than she or I would be comfortable with and I intend to get through this day without feeling prompted to remove my eyeballs upon receiving such undesired information. 

TT: Also, the number of times you managed to say “like” in those string of messages is honestly bordering on frightening. I intend to follow through with that comment regarding thesauruses from early; I believe you would greatly benefit from it.

TT: To your point, though, your sexuality does not have to be defined by such constraints as “gay” or “straight.”

TT: That is to say, those are not the only options available to you. You are allowed to like more than one gender. It is a common thing amongst those who experience same-gender attraction, in fact.

TG: oh word

TG: aight

TG: i mean i think im going to let that sink in for a little while

TG: marinate in the hot sauce that is my brain matter cause i aint sure about shit right now

TG: but that’s good to know thanks

TT: Of course.

TT: In regards to your predicament with Mr. Vantas, have you considered simply discussing this with him?

TG: oh yeah

TG: no shit rose lalonde

TG: stop the presses everyone we got a genius on our hands!

TT: There is no one else involved in this conversation but us, Dave.

TG: do you have worms in your brain of course ive fucking considered it ive considered it so much that i threw up all over one of the residential blocks of can town

TG: like rest a-fucking-ssured rose this has been on the top dave striders ultimate smackdown compilation of things to consider for a long time

TG: can you even imagine the utter shitshow that conversation would be though

TG: i would walk up to the party clad in my fragile masculinity and emotional constipation and meet up with karkat and his caginess and inability to speak in an inside voice

TG: and boom

TG: sparks would fly and not in a good way

TG: hed probably call me a nooksniffing inbred motherfucker and then never speak to me again and that would suck absolute dick because there’s five other people on this meteor and they’re all screwing each other and i spent enough time in elementary school to know how much it fucking blows being the third wheel

TG: and what i got going on with karkat is tight man i don’t wanna fuck that up just cause i think i have

TG: a fuckin gay ass crush on him

TT: I find your compulsion to preface your crush on Karkat with the turn of phrase “gay ass” both a little redundant and veering uncomfortably close to the “cool-guy” persona we’re trying to work you out of.

TT: Rest assured you have no one to assert your masculinity over here. I believe it’s inherent validity without you needing to prove something to me, and I would be surprised if anyone else thought differently. A crush can simply be a crush.

TT: Secondly, what makes you so sure Karkat will react in such a negative manner? While I must admit those were markedly astute observations on both your… 

TT: How can I put this lightly?

TG: social failings?

TT: Sure, that works. Regardless, though, I see no reason to automatically assume Karkat would react with such vehemence to the notion of you harboring romantic feelings for him.

TT: I almost feel as if that is a slight against him, no? Surely it is unfair to assume the worst of him before you’ve even broached the topic with him?

TG: i mean

TG: fuck yeah i guess

TG: i dont mean it bad though it’s just like

TG: i dont have a lot of super positive reference material when it comes to shit like this rose like i’m from fuckin hick central texas they’re not super into gay people down there

TG: and at my school you know whenever there were rumors about some guy being gay hed just get fuckin trashed

TG: like i didnt do shit about it because i was lame and stupid and i sucked but even then it was brutal to watch the poor guy would just have his life fuckin obliterated

TG: and yeah karkat isnt some crazy ass redneck who wears shirts that say “beer, bacon, and babes” everyday but like i dont know what positive thing am i supposed to base him off of

TT: How about me?

TG: thats too weird

TG: and that’s not gonna fool my subconscious

TG: like youre you i cant imagine your reactions as karkats you feel

TT: Yes, I do feel.

TT: Hm.

TT: I have a proposition.

TG: okay

TG: shoot

TT: Instead of commencing a conversation with Karkat immediately with a confession of your attraction for him, what if you simply came out first?

TG: came out?

TT: Yes. As in informed him of your attraction to men as well as women.

TT: If you need someone more akin to Karkat to practice on, as it were, I am more than certain Kanaya would be happy to participate. She would also undeniably have a very positive reaction, which could be notably affirming and reinforce your confidence when you do decide to discuss this with Karkat.

TT: That way he is made aware of where you stand, so to speak, and at least the vague possibility of him being a romantic prospect to you.

TG: uh

TG: shit

TG: that might actually be a good idea

TT: I have been known to have those on the rare occasion.

TT: Shall I contact Kanaya or would you like to do so yourself?

TG: fuck i guess i should?

TG: take ownership of this shit

TT: Very well. I believe she is relatively unoccupied that the moment.

TT: No time like the present, as they say.

TG: fuck lol

TT: Dave, her reaction will be nothing but constructive. Please do not stress about this. Instead consider it a test run of sorts, if that makes you feel better. A test run you know will succeed and will only give you more skills to triumph during the real thing.

TT: Also, it is worth mentioning I am very proud of you.

TG: oh word

TG: thanks

TG: thanks for like

TG: talking to me about this

TG: and being cool

TG: that means a lot too lmao

TT: I appreciate the inclusion of “lmao” there and hope you understand that doing so as an effort to take away from any sentimentality that stream of though may have possessed was both transparent and touchingly typical gesture from you.

TT: Nevertheless, I understood the intent, hidden by thinly veiled irony though it may be.

TT: I am glad I can be of some service to you, Dave. It is important to me that you begin to feel comfortable in your own skin again.

TT: Now, go talk to Kanaya.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i want more dave and kanaya interactions in canon and by that i do NOT mean like their conversation in hs2 because THAT gives me DEPRESSION...anyways et fin....this entire fic is just gays being dumb as god bless...

\-- turntechGodhead (TG) began pestering grimAuxiliatrix (GA) --

TG: what is up mi amiga

TG: my esteemed companion on this dick suckingly awful meteor

TG: roses better half

TG: oh shit if you guys get married does that make us siblings

TG: like weird ectobiologically related siblings in law

TG: you know theres this whole earth trope where in laws are supposed to be the actual pits but i think out of anyone on this dumb rock i think i’d most wanna be related to you

TG: (even more than rose but dont tell her that because she’ll start removing my spinal cord with her knitting needles of death)

TG: (but it’s the mf truth better believe it)

GA: Hello Dave

GA: Thank You For That Rather Derailing String Of Messages

GA: It Is Always So Interesting Engaging In Conversations With You As I Never Know What You Are About To Say Next

TG: hey ill take that as a compliment 

TG: dave striders here to keep you on your toes

TG: yo wait to you guys have toes this is pretty important

GA: Um

TG: actually never mind its totally not 

TG: i actually wanted to talk to you about something real quick

TG: if you got a sec to spare for your soon to be ectobiologically related brother in law

GA: Yes I Am Not Doing Anything Particularly Important At The Moment

GA: I Am Happy To Talk

GA: What Is On Your Mind

TG: dope

TG: this is probably gonna seem like it’s out of left field a bit 

GA: ?

TG: oh i forget you guys don’t have like troll versions of sports 

GA: Yes

GA: Alternia Was Perhaps Not An Environment Exactly Conducive To Team Oriented Athletic Endeavors 

GA: Mostly Because I Think We Were All A Little Focused On Not Dying At Any Given Point

TG: hey no sweat

TG: baseball is kinda lame anyways curling is where it’s at

TG: ill tell you that kanaya if we ever make it back to earth and youre looking for a way to show just how dope your taste in human culture is tell people you’re a fan of curling and watch some sparks fly

GA: Something Intuitively Tells Me This Is Another Example Of You Doing That Thing Where You Say One Thing But Mean The Exact Opposite But Make Me Work That Out For Myself

GA: Sarcasm I Believe Rose Calls It

TG: damn youre learning fast

TG: well make a jedi out of you yet my young padawan

GA: Now That Reference I Understand

GA: Only Because You Have Made Us Watch The Star Wars Film Franchise All The Way Through On At Least Three Separate Occasions During Movie Nights

GA: Karkat Asked Me To Convey His Full Displeasure At This Next Time The Subject Came Up By The Way Which I Will Not Due On Account Of The Volume Of Expletives He Manages To Pack In To Any Given Sentence But Hopefully You Get The Gist

TG: oh yeah i do

TG: you can tell him i say to go suck rocks in response 

GA: Noted

GA: Sorry I Feel I Rather Let Us Get On A Tangent Of Sorts There For A Moment

GA: You Said You Had Something To Discuss With Me

TG: yeah 

TG: uh

TG: yeah this is gonna feel probably pretty sudden and sort of weird and dumb and unnecessary for me to tell you about

GA: Dave I Am Sure It Is None Of Those Things

GA: Dont Worry 

TG: yeah okay

TG: um basically

TG: yeah basically i think i like dudes

TG: guys

TG: not think also i do 

TG: like over 95% sure which is about as sure as dave strider gets

TG: so yeah i figured since were kinda tight i should tell you i guess

TG: sorry if this was totally fucking stupid haha

GA: Dave

TG: kanaya

GA: This Is Not Stupid At All

GA: I Am Happy You Have Been Able To Come To Terms With This And Openly Embrace This Part Of Yourself 

GA: And I Am Also Happy You Felt Comfortable Telling Me

GA: I Am Very Proud Of You Dave Strider

GA: And Should Anyone Make Any Disparaging Remarks Regarding This At Any Point In Time I Have A Chainsaw And I Am Entirely Unafraid To Use It

TG: oh man

TG: dice up the homophobes and serve em on a platter

GA: Exactly

GA: Nothing Would Give Me Greater Pleasure

TG: thank you

TG: for being chill

TG: i mean like i knew you would given the fact you and rose are like on the one way track to getting married the second this game is over and adopting like 12 cats

GA: I Must Admit That Does Sound Rather Pleasant 

TG: but thank you anyways means a lot kan

GA: Of Course Dave

\-- turntechGodhead (TG) ceased pestering grimAuxiliatrix (GA) --

\-- tentacleTherapist (TG) began pestering turntechGodhead (TG) --

TT: Kanaya just messaged me.

TT: In markedly high spirits, I must add.

TT: So?

TT: I'm assuming it went well?

TG: yeah it was fine

TG: it was good

TG: she was really cool

TT: Of course she was; she’s Kanaya.

TT: I am glad it worked out nevertheless.

TT: How do you feel?

TG: fuckin weird man

TG: like kinda stressed and sort of like i need to go run laps around the common room 

TG: but happy too 

TT: I’m glad to hear.

TT: Certainly give yourself a break if you’d like; I understand coming out to a large number of people per day can be quite a draining experience, especially if your developing sexuality is still a very new facet of your life.

TT: But I hope that Kanaya’s positive response has given you some hope for how this conversation with Karkat might play out as well.

TG: yeah

TG: i think im gonna crash but ill talk to him tomorrow i think

TT: Sounds like a plan.

TG: oh by the way kanaya says she wants to marry you and adopt 12 cats

TG: just fyi

TT: Ah.

TT: Again, I am very proud of you. As is Kanaya. As will Karkat be in his very awkward, roundabout way when you tell him.

TT: Now, if you’ll excuse me for a brief moment, I need to go speak with my girlfriend.

TG: whats the ratio of face sucking to words going to be in this conversation

TT: Very funny, Dave.

\-- tentacleTherapist (TT) ceased pestering turntechGodhead (TG) -- 

\-- turntechGodhead (TG) began pestering carcinoGeneticist (CG) --

\-- carcinoGeneticist (CG) is an idle chum! --

TG: alright I decided it would be entirely too fucking agonizing to do this when you were awake on account of you having the tact of a brain dead eight year old 

TG: as someone who was once a very brain dead eight year old i can fully confirm we were the exact same

TG: one time i asked one of my teachers if she was pregnant and she said no and i said oh so you’re just fat

TG: i failed that class

TG: which had totally nothing to do with the fact that the only piece of homework i ever turned in i had just written the word fuck in all the answer spaces because i had just learnt 

TG: nothing at all

TG: uh but anyways yeah apparently i’m doing the rounds with this shit and you karkat vantas are next on my list

TG: not a hit list by the way youre at the top of that and i hope you know nothing will give me greater pleasure than dicing you up and serving you as sushi for dinner the next day

TG: actually that visual is super gross and i feel like youd taste like canned ass so never mind

TG: theres no way someone with as much pent up rage as you could taste good youd be all like

TG: stringy and shit

TG: gross

TG: anyways though i did have something i needed to tell you

TG: and i know youre gonna be a little bitch about this and start bemoaning how dumb human concepts of romance and romantic attraction are and all that shit and ill probably lose another 45% of my braincells just trying to read through your response

TG: so if maybe you could like pipe the fuck down in that respect

TG: like im pretty sure i could already tell you what your response would be word for word you dont have to worry about it

TG: alright

TG: now that we got that outta the way

TG: dave strider has the floor

TG: he steps up to center stage illuminated by nothing but a pool of light from a spotlight shining down on him

TG: hes wearing a sexy ass suit that kanaya made for him because kanaya is cool

TG: all of his friends and family that havent been like brutally murdered yet are in the crowd watching with varying levels of interest

TG: rose is for example simultaneously knitting and reading through the dsm-v to see what new psychological disorder she can diagnose me with

TG: terezi is reenacting a few good men with some stuffed animals she pulled out from fuck knows where in the back corner

TG: vriska is just sitting there being quietly homicidal you know how it be

TG: kanaya is giving me her full attention because kanaya is my mom and i love her

TG: the mayor is fully engaged too because the mayor is better than any other person to ever have lived and if you even try to contest me on this karkat i will kick your ass so hard youll be picking my toenails out of your teeth for a fuckin month also do trolls have toes i was gonna ask kanaya about this but it was very off topic at the time

TG: and karkat vantas is sitting front and center

TG: he better be giving his full attention or else he can direct his attention back to the ass kicking comment for reference as to what daves gonna do to him

TG: back on stage dave steps up to the microphone

TG: looking very sexy but a little vulnerable like hes about to bare a pretty sensitive and relatively touchy part of his soul for the crowd 

TG: but still hot as shit

TG: and dave opens his mouth a little hesitantly

TG: everyones eyes are on him now because he is so fascinating and interesting and have i mentioned sexy yet

TG: and then he speaks

TG: “sup yall just wanted to let you know i like dudes”

TG: “like romantically”

TG: “as well as girls so no hate t-dawg what we had was tight as fuck and i wish you and your disemboweled stuffed animals the fuckin best”

TG: and boom thats it

TG: dave drops the mic and walks off stage cause hes just that much of a fuckin baller

TG: end scene

\-- turntechGodhead (TG) ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist (CG) --

\-- carcinoGeneticist (CG) began trolling turntechGodhead (TG) --

\-- turntechGodhead (TG) is an idle chum! --

CG: JESUS FUCK DAVE

CG: IF I HAD WANTED TO WAKE UP TO THAT MANY FUCKING WORDS I WOULD’VE JUST ASKED TEREZI TO DROP A DICTIONARY ON MY FACE AGAIN

CG: I STILL HAVE NO IDEA WHERE SHE GOT THAT THING FROM AND THERE’S STILL A SCAR 

CG: SO FUCK HER WHATEVER

CG: ALSO FOR THE RECORD IF YOU EVER DID TRY TO CUT ME UP AND EAT ME

CG: WHICH YOU WOULDN’T BE ABLE TO BECAUSE I WOULD CUT YOUR UGLY HUMAN BULGE OFF BEFORE YOU COULD EVEN THINK ABOUT IT

CG: I WOULD TASTE SO GOOD THOUGH

CG: SO FUCK YOU TOO

CG: THAT WAS A REALLY MOVING SPIEL THOUGH DAVE

CG: REALLY CINEMATIC

CG: I LIKE HOW SUBTLE YOU WERE IN COMMUNICATING HOW ATTRACTIVE YOU THINK YOU ARE TO THE READER

CG: IT’S REALLY THAT READ BETWEEN THE LINES TYPE OF PROSE YOU KNOW I CARE FOR SO MUCH

CG: THOUGH I DID LIKE THE MESSAGE BEHIND IT

CG: WHICH SOMEHOW WAS HARDER TO PICK UP ON THAN THE FACT THAT YOU THINK YOU’RE HOT SHIT 

CG: SERIOUSLY I HAD TO REREAD THAT MONSTROSITY LIKE THREE TIMES TO FIND OUT WHAT YOU WERE ACTUALLY TRYING TO SAY

CG: TO THAT THOUGH

CG: I STILL THINK THE FACT THAT HUMANS GIVE A SHIT ABOUT THIS TYPE OF STUFF TO BE SO WEIRD AND FRANKLY MORONIC 

CG: I’M SORRY I KNOW YOU SAID NOT TO SAY THAT BUT I JUST HAVE TO GET IT IN THERE 

CG: YOUR SPECIES IS MADE UP OF A BAFFLING PERCENTAGE OF UTTER DOUCHEBAGS

CG: BUT I’M GLAD YOU TOLD ME THAT

CG: AND OF COURSE I’M FUCKING CHILL WITH IT AND WHATEVER IT’S SO MIND-NUMBINGLY INCONSEQUENTIAL

CG: LIKE IF THERE WAS ANYTHING THAT WOULD MAKE ME WANT TO STOP HANGING OUT WITH YOU IT’D BE THE FACT THAT YOU’RE AN INSUFFERABLE PRICK WITH UGLY SUNGLASSES NOT WHOEVER YOU WANT TO BONE

CG: BUT I GET IT’S LIKE A THING FOR HUMANS

CG: AND IT’S STRESSFUL

CG: AND ROSE SAID THAT IF I WASN’T “APPROPRIATELY SENSITIVE” IN MY RESPONSE SHE WOULD PUT A CURSE ON ME AND I’M NOT SURE IF THAT’S EVEN SOMETHING SHE CAN FUCKING DO BUT I DON'T WANT TO RISK IT

CG: BUT REGARDLESS OF THAT JUMPED-UP BROAD’S MEDDLING I GET IT IT’S A THING

CG: AND I’M GLAD YOU TOLD ME ABOUT IT OR WHATEVER

CG: AND PROUD OF YOU

CG: YOU’RE STILL A FUCKING CRANK AND I LONG FOR THE DAY IN WHICH YOUR RAMPANT IDIOCY GETS YOU BRUTALLY AND SAVAGELY KILLED AND I GET TO STAND BY AND PISS MYSELF LAUGHING

CG: DUMBASS

\-- turntechGodhead (TG) returned from being idle! --

TG: holy fuck

TG: at least my spiels arent in all fucking caps lock

TG: just trying to read that makes my ears ring

TG: also i would totally hand you your ass on a silver platter before you got the time to even look at my dick

TG: which by the way

TG: kinda gay man

CG: KISS MY ASS STRIDER

TG: hey maybe if you ask nice enough i will

CG: EW

CG: YOU DO THAT AND I’LL SIC GAMZEE ON YOU

TG: for one that dude is surgically attached to whatever vent hes been hiding in for the past two weeks

TG: and second of all dont “ew” me

TG: kinkshamer

CG: WHAT

TG: yeah i said what i said

TG: karkat vantas is a kinkshaming little bitch

CG: YOU REALIZE YOU ARE INADVERTENTLY ADMITTING TO ONE OF YOUR KINKS BEING KISSING PEOPLE’S ASSES, RIGHT?

CG: BECASE I DEFINITELY THINK THAT WARRANTS A RESOUNDING “EW” AT BEST

TG: kinkshaaaaaaameeeeeee

TG: im gonna rat your ass out to the kink shaming police

CG: THAT ISN’T EVEN A FUCKING THING, DAVE

CG: DON’T BE A MORON

TG: sorry cant hear you over the sounds of sirens

TG: theyre coming for you man

TG: any last words?

CG: EAT SHIT AND DIE STRIDER

CG: WAIT

CG: IS THAT YOU KNOCKING ON MY DOOR

TG: told you kar

TG: you cant hide from the law forever

CG: OPEN MY DOOR AND I SWEAR TO GOD IT WILL BE THE LAST THING YOU EVER DO

CG: STRIDER

CG: DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT COMING IN HERE

CG: YOU FUCKNKDGL .SFZ/LDGT/;N / .

\-- carcinoGeneticist (CG) ceased trolling turntechGodhead (TG) --

\-- grimAuxiliatrix (GA) began trolling tentacleTherapist (TT) --

GA: We Are In Agreement That This Is Insufferable Correct

GA: Forget Cutting The Tension With A Knife I Plan To Use That Instrument To Remove My Eyes Just So I Dont Have To Watch Them Like This Anymore

TT: Entirely agreed. I don’t know whether I want to laugh or cry.

GA: Were We Ever This Bad

GA: I Shudder To Think If We Were

TT: We can’t have been. 

TT: I mean perhaps I was a little… 

TT: What’s the phrase you like to use?

GA: Willfully Brain Dead

TT: No, no, the other one.

GA: Oh 

GA: Obtuse 

TT: That’s the one. 

TT: But I can’t have been this bad, right? I mean this right here is rewriting the definition of bad into something entirely unheard of.

GA: Truth

GA: I Must Say

GA: Though I Hate To Meddle

TT: Please picture me reading that particular message with my most obviously forced straight face possible.

GA: Rose You Have Never Been Straight In Your Life

TT: Touché.

GA: To My Point Though I Almost Feel It Would Be Prudent To Encourage This Process Along Somewhat

GA: If They Are Left To Figure This Out For Themselves We Might All Die Of Old Age Before They Even Have Their First Kiss

GA: And You And Dave Are Virtually Immortal

GA: So Thats Saying Something 

TT: You could be right.

TT: Hmm.

TT: I’ll think it over. But this does bring the turn of phrase “desperate times call for desperate measures” to mind.

GA: Quite

GA: Gog Help Us All

\-- grimAuxiliatrix (GA) ceased trolling tentacleTherapist (TT) --

\-- tentacleTherapist (TT) started a chat with turntechGodhead (TG) and carcinoGeneticist (CG) --

TT: I hope you two know the depths to which I respect the sanctity and privacy of the conversations you individually hold with me.

TT: I would never expose information one of you has told me to the other for any number of reasons, no matter how compelling I found them to be.

TT: I respect each of your standards for confidentiality immensely.

CG: I AM SO FUCKING SCARED RIGHT NOW

TG: same what the fuck kinda shit are you trying to pull lalonde

TT: However, watching this game the two of you seem intent on playing for as long as humanely possible is starting to make me thing I’m going to break out in stress hives at any given moment.

TT: Quite frankly, it’s embarrassing. It did give my girlfriend and me great amusement to watch for a short period of time, but we have since crossed the threshold and entered the territory of deeply maddening.

TT: I cannot concentrate properly on trying to prevent all of our asses from falling into the trap of yet another catastrophically doomed timeline while I know you two are actively prancing about like the main characters of one of Karkat’s god-awful romance novels.

TT: No offense, Karkat. 

CG: FULL OFFENSE TAKEN.

CG: ALSO, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

TG: worms in the brain man i told you 

TT: It’s starting to get painfully heterosexual.

TT: Please, I beg you both: talk about your feelings for once. Don’t make me pull out the screenshots.

\-- tentacleTherapist (TT) has left the chat --

CG: SCREENSHOTS???

CG: SCREENSHOTS OF WHAT????

CG: IS NOW AN APPROPRIATE TIME TO TELL YOU HOW MUCH I HATE YOUR SISTER SOMETIMES?

TG: as good as any

TG: well

TG: this seems sort of fucking redundant given that its just the two of us in here

TG: and if we wanted to talk we could just do so in our normal chat 

TG: or i dont know walk five feet and go speak to each other that way

TG: novel concept

TG: ew wait i sound like an old person who doesnt know how to turn on a computer i take that back

TG: but this is dumb im outta here vantas

CG: WAIT

CG: DON’T LEAVE JUST GIVE ME A SECOND

TG: uh okay

TG: a second for what?

TG: you wanna reread that touching string of messages rose sent one last time?

TG: i mean i get it reading her essentially calling us fucking idiots is also one of my favorite pastimes

CG: NO IT'S NOT ABOUT ROSE 

CG: I DON’T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT ROSE

CG: BUT SHE

CG: I MEAN

CG: DIDN’T SHE SAY SOMETHING KIND OF IMPORTANT THERE, YOU THINK?

TG: personally i try to avoid thinking rose says anything important ever

TG: I feel like shes telepathically connected to me somehow and every time i do she notices and her god complex gets a little bit bigger

CG: DON’T BE DENSE

TG: im not being dense lol

TG: just not entirely sure where youre going with this

CG: COME ON, DAVE

CG: SHE’S RIGHT

TG: fuck now youve done it

TG: 50 bucks says the next interaction you have with her is her giving you a shit eating grin and saying “i told you so"

CG: WHAT THE FUCK ARE BUCKS I DON’T HAVE ANY BUCKS

TG: fine then i get control over the economic system of can town

CG: FIRST OF ALL, FUCK NO. YOU’RE TOO MUCH OF A COMMUNIST FOR THAT

TG: proletariat of the world, unite!

CG: AND SECOND SHE IS

CG: I MEAN HAVEN’T WE

CG: HAVEN’T YOU NOTICED WE

CG: FUCK 

TG: yes i have noticed how fuckin sexy we are compared to everyone else on this dumb hunk of rock

TG: glad tou finale brought that up

CG: NO

CG: I MEAN US

CG: HAVEN’T YOU NOTICED THERE’S BEEN SOMETHING WEIRD WITH US RECENTLY

TG: …

TG: have you

CG: I ASKED FIRST

CG: LIKE

CG: DON’T THINGS

CG: FUCK

CG: AM I GOING CRAZY HERE?

TG: buddy the crazy train left karkat station like seven months ago

CG: DOESN’T SHIT FEEL DIFFERENT NOW?

CG: EVER SINCE YOU 

CG: YOU KNOW

TG: what came out?

TG: lmfao

TG: youre really gonna pull this shit with me?

CG: WAIT WHAT

TG: the whole “now that dave likes guys we cant be fuckin friends cause i think hes gonna try and get in my pants” act

TG: cause thatd be a dickhead move even for you as the acting king of blows so low they go through the fuckin floor

CG: TO BORROW A HUMAN EUPHEMISM FOR A MOMENT 

CG: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST DAVE

CG: THAT IS NOT EVEN REMOTELY WHAT I’M GETTING AT HERE

CG: WERE YOU DROPPED ON YOUR HEAD AS A WRIGGLER OR IS RAMPANT STUPIDITY JUST AN UNFORTUNATE SIDE EFFECT YOUR SPECIES HAS TO DEAL WITH?

TG: wait what

TG: now im lost

CG: GOD IT’S LIKE TRYING TO DROP HINTS AT A FUCKING BLOCK OF CONCRETE

CG: MOTHERFUCKER

CG: DAVE

CG: TO BORROW YET ANOTHER HUMAN EUPHEMISM

CG: BECAUSE I’M CONVINCED THAT IF I DON’T EXPLAIN THIS TO YOU IN TERMS YOU’RE EXPLICITLY FAMILIAR YOU’RE GOING TO HAVE ANOTHER SHIT FIT AND ACCUSE ME OF BEING A RAGING HOMOPHOBE

CG: I LIKE YOU

CG: THAT’S WHAT I’M GETTING AT. I LIKE YOU AND UNLESS I’M THE ONE WHO GOT DROPPED ON HIS HEAD AS A WRIGGLER WHICH LET’S FACE IT I PROBABLY WAS IF I’M ACTUALLY SITTING HERE HAVING THIS CONVERSATION LIKE YOU AREN’T ABOUT TO LAUGH AT ME SO HARD YOU PISS YOURSELF AFTER I STOP TYPING BUT I THOUGHT

CG: MAYBE I THOUGHT IT WAS MUTUAL

CG: WHICH IS DUMB AS FUCKING ROCKS OKAY YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME

CG: CAN WE MOVE ON NOW

TG: oh

\-- carcinoGeneticist (CG) is now an idle chum! --

TG: wait man 

TG: fuck

TG: come back 

TG: i like you too

\-- carcinoGeneticist (CG) has returned from being idle! --

CG: WAIT, WHAT?

CG: ARE YOU FUCKING WITH ME RIGHT NOW?

CG: BECAUSE IF YOU ARE THIS IS SO NOT AS FUNNY AS YOU THINK IT IS AND ALSO I’M GOING TO CUT YOUR DICK OFF AND STAPLE IT TO THE SIDE OF THE METEOR

TG: dude first of all ow

TG: second no

TG: im not fucking with you

CG: OH

TG: yeah

CG: OH SHIT

TG: uh huh

CG: YOU

CG: UH

CG: HUH

CG: WOW

TG: wow indeed

CG: UH

CG: CAN I COME OVER?

TG: um duh

TG: you dont have to ask dunkass

CG: EAT ROCKS I’M NOT A DUNKASS

TG: yeah you are

TG: a cute one though

CG: OH

TG: I know im so smooth right

TG: now hurry your scrawny little ass over here

TG: some of us have an alien to kiss

CG: OH

TG: :)

CG: (:B


End file.
